I have been very sad lately. Well let's just leave it at very sad. I've realized that I used to implicitly trust people. I trusted them to be ... trying their best. I trusted them to sometimes succeed and sometimes fail. To sometimes do what they are proud of and sometimes do things they are ashamed of. But rarely walking out the door in the morning intending to lie/cheat/steal.
All of my notions have been blown completely out of the water in the last year. I have come to the slow realization that there are indeed people who intend to do evil. They may not admit it to themselves but they actively line their pockets at the expense of others. Here are a short list of things that have happened:
- My debit card was stolen --- twice (apparently once was not enough...I do not use it anymore)
- The lawyers that were representing us, the disabled from Nortel actively worked to get us less money so that their other clients got more.
- Liberal politicians played a couple of disabled people so that the Conservatives looked bad in the press. When the story was over, we were left behind.
- Conservative politicians promised to help us and when the story was over, no help was given.
- When I got sick, no one visited without John requesting them to visit.
- The court appointed representative (one of us disabled folk), lied to us, signed an absolutely abysmal deal and frankly hung us out to dry.
- We were offered a free picture over the phone. I grilled the lady on the phone and she told us that we were not going to be asked to buy any. It was a gift. Well when we went to pick up the pics, the sales-guy threw a tantrum because we would not buy a package. It was so fake that even I picked up that he was trying to manipulate us.
What does the bible say about bad people. Well all of Psalms is David crying out to God about how the evil is abounding. At the end of most of the Psalms he admits that he will still follow God and praises the King of the Universe. And that God is in charge. I don't blame God, I just don't want to be around people. I don't want to give them the opportunity to hurt me anymore. Right now I am hurt by very little and every time I interact with people I inevitably get hurt.
My response is to hide and avoid and not go near them that hurt me. This behaviour is probably a good short term response until I feel stronger but it has been 2 months and I'm beginning to doubt I will feel stronger. I am wearing out John and feeling very lonely but I don't know what else to do. John is in the Silly season and out an awful lot and busy working when he is not out. I spend a lot of time in bed avoiding the world. I don't have the energy to open myself up to the casual remarks that people make.
Whatever God has in store for me I will accept gratefully, but I hope that the agony will end soon.