Saturday, March 21, 2009

I do not need to defend myself!!!

I have been having an amazing time with God lately. He has been my shield and protector (and believe you me, I never thought I needed protection---I can handle myself tyvm!!). But I have learned that I do not need to protect/defend myself.

I have always done a remarkable job of defending myself. No one ever worried about me. I remember when I worked at Nortel, someone said to John, that he couldn't understand how John could be married me. I am fierce protecting my territory. I am not the worrier kind of protector. I am the you mess with my kids and I will mess with you kind of protector. lol. And it has been useful in the past. But God is urging me to put down that particular "skill". He is urging me to let Him protect me. And it is surprizingly easy to stop protecting myself and family. I've had many opportunities to practice in the last little while.

Instance #1: A couple of people challenged me on how I applied the bible to my life. Their point was that God never asked us to seek Knowledge (not even knowledge of Him). I felt that I needed to fight this injustice with reasoned words (which is better than I would have done I wasn't getting through. So when one of the people pushed me on it, from the safety of my email (I think way better in front of a computer) I told her that I felt God was leading me this way and that I would let Him defend me. And then when the other person just left it open to talk about it. I said how about we do what Gamaliel did in Acts, he said that if this is of God it will flourish and if it is not it will wither (my own words). I did not have to have the final word. I did not need to defend me. God did in a very mighty way. One of the people that had challenged my application of the bible, emailed me to tell me that they read the paper that had laid out why I thought what I thought and they said that they were wrong. God showed me so clearly that if I abide in Him I do not need to protect myself. Note: what Gamaliel said is not to be used to either prove or disprove God theories...after all we are still fighting prostitution...but I thought it was appropriate in this place as we would be able to see the fruit of the endeaver after some time...and the fruit would indicate whether I was right with God

Instance #2: I have been worried about the Federal Disability Tax Credit. It is one of those things that always ties me in knots. According to the strictest definition you would have to be dead in order to get the disability credit for a mental problem. I have been trying to find out how to get my wonderful Dr. to fill in the form to get me the tax credit (not lying of case you thought I would do that). But I was talking to my hubby and he said why don't you let her decide. Ever since Stewie lay on that MRI table and I had to fight for him to live (maybe if I had let go, God would have done it with a lot less anguish), I have been in an a mode where I do not trust Dr's to do what is right. This one also falls under the ego problem that I have...if you want it done right do it yourself. So now I am just filling in my portion of the form and sending it to my wonderful Dr. The worst that could happen is that I lose biggie. And the best part is that I am turning more of myself over to Him Who Made Me.

Instance #3: I go to a wonderful frugal board and interact with many amazing people. I am very careful to not push the Christianity thing but always to sign with blessings. I also make it a point to give way more than I take. Well someone started a thread about Friday the 13 that we just had recently. Someone had posted that religion is a lot like superstitions and I said that I made my decision for Christ only once I had made sure it was logical. I made reference to the fact that believers have better sex, are happier, live longer and are nicer. Someone took exception to this list of things. They wrote a fairly typical post about how a certain Christian was not nice at all. I responded well but I could have done better if I had let God defend me. She responded as I was heading back to the thread to edit my response. So I was unable to change my original post. I did apologize for being defensive. And then I built her up. It felt way better.

Instance #4: The little things count too! My kids have had a friend who's family situation is ugly. He is with us as much as he is at home. I have insomnia and all sorts of sleep problems so I was sleeping at 12 noon yesterday and the gaggle of teens woke me up...they were loud!! I came into their room asking if God had smote them as I was considering asking Him to. He looked at me and asked why? I said cuz I hadn't got to sleep until 6. He said it's noon, don't yell at us. I just smiled and walked away.

Now if only I could get over my need to "help" John's business by questioning why pays were taking so long. Again, I have had a lot of success in getting payments earlier than we may have otherwise, but I don't need to. John has done the work, the pay will come in when it is meant to...praying for that Mighty Hand of God to still my concern. This is an ego/fear thing. When I don't know when the money is coming in I cannot plan how we will allocate it. I fear if I don't allocate it early, I will fritter it away on FastFood. Which might be valid but I think God can handle a little problem like Wendy's!!!


Acts 5:35-39 Then he addressed them: "Men of Israel, consider carefully what you intend to do to these men. 36Some time ago Theudas appeared, claiming to be somebody, and about four hundred men rallied to him. He was killed, all his followers were dispersed, and it all came to nothing. 37After him, Judas the Galilean appeared in the days of the census and led a band of people in revolt. He too was killed, and all his followers were scattered. 38Therefore, in the present case I advise you: Leave these men alone! Let them go! For if their purpose or activity is of human origin, it will fail. 39But if it is from God, you will not be able to stop these men; you will only find yourselves fighting against God."